The Daddy Issue

I have met my father in the flesh. I have had many conversations with him. I can tell you most of his vital information. I could describe him in full detail (at least my last memory of him). And yet, I still have never met my father. The man I met was a shell of the man my mother once adored.This man, once a brilliant, charming, handsome, and educated man, fell victim to the trap and became addicted to drugs.But he was absent before his addiction became apparent. See, he had fooled me into believing that the man that I occasionally saw around the house, this man who resembled my father was indeed him. And when he would disappear and break dates, I believed it was me, not him, who had the problem.There had to be something wrong with me.Why else would he break his promise? So every time he flaked, and every time he gave me a reason, weeks later, as to why he flaked, I planned out my game on how to make sure daddy loved me and would want to be around me. I kept sizing myself up, think something was wrong, and every time forgiving him when he didn’t show, because next time he will get it right.He promised. He is my blood. Blood would never intentionally hurt you. For 22 years I lived by that creed. Allowing this man to walk in my life, get my hopes up, allow me to imagine being daddy’s girls, gave me comfort, and would yank it way as quickly as he came. It wasn't until I graduated college that I could finally let go of the idea of "daddy". However, it wasn’t until a year ago that I realized that I allowed this behavior to effect my relationships with men. #1. I didn’t have relationships for fear of getting too close to someone and being abandoned. There is nothing worse than heartache. #2 the “relationships” I did have were very unhealthy. They lacked any levels of commitment and I allowed myself to be dogged. I allowed the same behavior my father exhibited. I took the bull sh*t and allowed hazardous people in and out and in and out of my life hoping that at some point they would recognize how wonderful I am. I kept waiting and playing myself thinking that by taking this person or these people back in was the right thing because we had a “connection”In the end, I’d be left broken again, feeling like that little girl waiting on her father. I knew I had daddy issues but I didn’t realize they ran so deep. And once I realized that I was able to free myself of the oppressive chains that allowed me to accept the bullsh*t, I was able to see clearer and realize I was the problem because I was undervaluing myself. I'd like to add that I have a wonderful mother who provided for me and was the best mommy and daddy to me. But she was unable to heal the wounds my father left because I didn't tell her they were there. I hid my pain in hopes it would just go away, but it diverted into my sub-conscience and transformed into another beast. I am able to look at the old me now and not be ashamed because I had to be that person in order to grow into who I am now. I am no longer hold the “daddy issue” bag. However, many women in our society do. Single parents are the norm now. What's even more common is the absence of fathers. This absent, especially in the lives of girls, creates a woman with trust issues, with commitment issues, with self-esteem issues, with promiscuity issues… with DADDY ISSUES. They may not have all of them, but they have definitely dealt with a few. And what is even worse is that we, men and women, do not hold those accountable who do not take care of their kids. When CNN did their special, Black in America, there was a panel discussing the black family. Now first let me say that I am tired of these panels because it’s all rhetoric, never any true solutions. But Hill Harper, the author an actor who was on the panel made a good point: Hold these men accountable. If you have a male friend who has a child, ask him: When was the last time you spoke with your child? Saw your child? What type of role do you play in his/her life?If they can’t answer that question,come up with excuses, or say they haven’t, tell them you can’t hang with them until they step up. Yeah it’s not your business what the next man is doing, but the people you hang with are a reflection of you. Their character represents your character and beliefs. Hold your peers accountable. So in a way it IS your business. It takes a village to raise a child, but how can the child benefit if the village turns their back on it. Don’t try and change the cycle. Stop the cycle dead in its tracks. This issue transcends race. This is a universal plea. Don’t allow another child’s heart to break. Don’t allow another tear to be shed. And to the TRUE Fathers out there, whether they are with or not with their child’s mother, I commend you. Serve as an example. Influence those who aren’t as enlightened as you are. It is time for them to wake up!!

“Only the strong go crazy, the weak just go along” –Assata Shakur

Did you know??? Congressman John R Lynch, one of the first blacks elected to the Hpuse of Representatives, presided over the Republican National Convention, September 10th, 1884